DalyDose of…10 Single Resolutions
2011 is upon us. Last year was supposed to be two thousand PERFECT ten, but we’ll make 2011 one better than perfect!
Ladies and gentlemen I present to you the following list of resolutions. These resolutions are intended for those of us burdened…I mean blessed…with being single men in Los Angeles. I am certain, however that anyone will be able to take a gem or two and add them to the treasure that is their life.
Yes, I view this list as immeasurably important and those who find their way to it, will possess a wisdom not often found outside of my apartment. Please note that that I am approximately 10% joking.
Happy New Year and Happy Dating in 2011!
1. Never, under any circumstances will I buy a girl a drink. It’s 2011 and women are equal. Heck she should be buying ME a drink….
2. Offer to “let” a women buy you drinks. If they give you a strange look, refer to resolution number one and proclaim yourself an enlightened feminist man, just trying to do the right thing.
3. Always walk up and introduce yourself to the most attractive woman in the room. Trust me when I tell you that other people notice and you will get huge street cred with anyone in sight. Make her smile and laugh and other women will want to know who that dude is. (Hint…it’s you) Heck, she might even like your courage and want you for herself. It’s gotta work right? The models always say that men are so intimidated by them that they never get asked out.
4. If you are on a date and the woman you are with is not the most attractive woman in the room, for the love of all that is holy, do not let her SEE you pull resolution number 3. Do that move on your way to the bathroom . If your date asks you who you were talking, just say “nobody…wow I am seriously hypnotized by your eyes”.
5. If you’ve lasted this long I have a real treat for you. Resolve to use and trust one and only one pickup line: “You OK?”. After you utter these three simple syllables, shut your mouth and let her respond. I’m not joking here; this is gold! A confident woman will smile and let you know all is well. A needy woman will get flustered and start checking her hair and makeup. An arrogant woman will look at you in disgust and walk away. Three syllables were never a more powerful tool.
6. On New Year’s Eve or anytime in January really, announce to a woman that SHE is your New Year’s resolution. You have to have a balanced attack here. If you are too serious…CREEPSVILLE. If you appear to be joking….FRIEND ZONE. Trust me when I tell you that you don’t want to take up residence in either place. (I’ve already done this one and it’s a BULLSEYE)
7. Speaking of FRIEND ZONE. Put a population cap on that place. It gets real crowded, real quickly. Be a GPS for anyone headed toward that place. Let ‘em know that you will not allow them into the friend zone. If they are looking to go there, you can part as acquaintances. It saves everyone a lot of time really. You’re just doing her a favor. The weather and the dinners are better in the Interested In Me Zone.
8. Be OK with “relationships” that last through breakfast. I used to be unreasonable and say that some relationships should end BEFORE breakfast, but I heard it’s the most important meal of the day so, if she’s willing to cook it…I’m just sayin.
9. Get in touch with your “Inner Jerk”. I’m not going to explain it here, I need more traffic and I’ve already written about that HERE.
10. Avoid all small talk. Don’t participate in biographical data conversations. She’s just looking to see how much money you make or how stable your relationship with your mother is. Divert them with talks of “feelings”. Women get intoxicated with that stuff. Ask them about their dreams. They’ll be so enamored with you and lost in their own feelings that you’ll have plenty of time to eyeball the room for a resolution number one target! I love when things go full circle.
11. This is a Top 10 list and we are on number 11. BONUS: This resolution is that you should always try to over achieve. Go for a woman who’s way hotter than you think you can get. You are in Los Angeles; every cheerleader, prom queen, pageant winner and high school musical star lives here. They got by in the first part of their lives on looks. Now they live where good looking is standard practice and their self-esteem suffers. That is your opportunity…to…uh…raise her self esteem. Getting a smoking hot date for yourself is just a bonus.
Happy New Year 2011. Keep these resolutions and you’ll be smiling and single for 2012!
Posted on December 30, 2010, in Just Life and tagged 2011, Dating, Friend zone, Humor, Jeff Daly, Los Angeles, New Year Resolutions, New Year's Eve, Relationships, Single Life, Singular. Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.
as a woman…i love #5!
I am so glad to be married, so I dont have to deal with single men and the games they play!! Ugghh!! J’Dal I am so highly offended! Cant you just find a nice girl you can make apple martinis for and you can take her to the “nicest” hotels!! Oh right no apple martinis for you, how about cherry rum and coke! And for the record, I will never buy a man a drink!!Worse advice ever!!
Okay, just kidding, loved it! Made me cry, I was laughing and only remotely offended!!
I give you a lot of credit for your honesty. I’m sure you got busted for superficiality but we are visual creatures after all. I saw this on the Singular newsletter and then realized it was for last year. How did the resolutions work out? Have you refined your “rules” any? See you soon.
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