DalyDose of…Phone Sex. Is it a Date?

I like writing, but it would be so much better to get paid for it.  I came across this opportunity to submit a blog sample to this company starting a website for single people.  They were looking for funny, unique views.  I submitted my DalyDose of…10 Single Resolutions and they responded that they would like a 500 word sample using their test topic.  The test topic is “Does phone sex count as a date?”. 

I took on the challenge.  I transformed myself from nice guy to inner jerk and starting hitting the keyboard.  They wanted 500 words or less….here are my 493:

An informal poll and requests for female assistance in my…uh…research has made it clear to me that “no, phone sex does not count as a date” because it’s better than a date.

How does a date start? The man has to get in his car and burn precious fossil fuels to go pick the woman up. With the phone sex date, all she has to do is pick up the call. It’s not only convenient, but it’s also the green choice. “Do it” for the planet.

On a phone-based date there is no “your place or mine”, because everyone is in the comfort of their own home. They eat whatever they want for dinner and dress how they like. The comfort level is amazing. The burden of impressing your partner with grooming and fashion is gloriously absent.

The most important thing in any human interaction such as dating, is the connection. Phone sex by definition requires a connection, so you’re good to go, unless you’re using an iPhone and find yourself “holding it wrong”. Move your hand a little to the left, no a little more, a little bit more and BAMMO, reconnection.

What man hasn’t secretly fantasized about watching ESPN during that sexual pre-game called foreplay? Now, you can make that happen and she’ll be none-the-wiser. Just be sure to throw in some double entendre sports references and she’ll be sliding into third while you pick up your bat to drive her home. You’ll have time to switch up the channel for some visual aid. Hey, you’re already having sex with one person who isn’t there, fire up the porn and sneak in an orgy.

Dating in modern society involves trust and safety. Fortunately, with phone sex you don’t need to use a condom. It’s still an option depending on your level of cleanliness, but that choice is yours and yours alone.

As far as performance goes, remember that you’re on the phone. I’m presuming that you’re on a cell phone, so you can always claim that you need to get to O-town quickly, as you’re getting close to going over your minutes. Make it a game with rewards for whoever is faster (usually you, men) and most improved time (give her a chance).

So you’re done. Did you notice that? There’s no one there begging for a cuddle. It’s just you and the phone.  A couple of minutes of verbal confirmation that you care and you’re free to sleep and snore and enjoy your space. There is no stress of concocting a story about an early meeting and needing to get a good night’s sleep in your own bed.

There’s also no need to promise to call in the morning, because you’re on the phone. Just tell her you had a lovely time and can’t wait to hear her again. A text a couple of minutes later seals the deal and ensures that she’ll pick up for that next date.

That’s it.  That was my submission.  I know almost nothing about the eventual site that I’m applying to write for.  I just hope they are nothing like eHarmony.

A shout out of thanks to Andria Farrell (www.twitter.com/driafarr) for helping me with her always valuable feedback.