The Unofficial Facebook Variants

Facebook has become a staple in our lives.  It is the social network that nearly everyone is on.   It is so large that not being on Facebook is akin to being anti-social.   Of course, with that many users, the site attracts a variety of personalities and we’re seeing some unofficial variants of The Zuck’s lil dormroom project.

I’ve had chats with friends about these things, so I know that I’m not the only one who has these thoughts.  I like to think I possess an abundance of brilliance that makes me unique, but apparently that’s not the case.  Oh yeah, we were talking about the Facebook variant that have morphed their way into the the network and left unchallenged, will significantly alter our online existence and taint our social experience.

What are these “variants”?  Today, I’m looking at two and ranting about one.  Yes, there will be a JD rant!

1. Fakebook

I’m not going to lie; I’m guilty of this one.  My life on Facebook is vastly superior to my real world life.  People think that all I do is go to red carpet events and hang with beautiful people jaunt off to Catalina, eat amazing food, and generally live a so-called “Hollywood Life”.  News flash: I don’t always post the pictures of the Friday nights when it’s me and Netflix, binge watching some series that everyone is talking about.  FYI…Orange Is The New Black, is amazing. Watch it!

Obviously, when I do something awesome, I post it, but rest assured there are plenty of things that you don’t see…or you didn’t see.  I’m thinking of posting some of the mundane.  Wait until you see how much laundry I have to do.  That’s REALLY “keepin it real”, but I’m not sure you’ll like it.

WARNING: RANT TIME

2.  Vaguebook

Let me take a breath before I start.  I don’t want this to get out of hand.  OK, I’m ready.

Yesterday, I posted a status update that simply said: *sigh*.  It was the aftermath of a discussion I was having with someone about the proliferation of vague status updates on Facebook that seem designed to simply force people to ask you about them.  Spoiler alert: I HATE THOSE STATUS UPDATES!!!

It can be a positive update: AMAZING
It can be a sad update: Why me?
It can be a request update: Prayers needed.

What all of these status updates are missing is THE FRIGGIN POINT.  Please for the love of all that is holy, just tell us what you’re talking about or don’t post it all.

If you tell me your great news, I will be happy for you.  Trust me on that.  If you just post your reaction to an unreferenced source of joy, I am not going care and I’m going to like you a little bit less.  It’s true and I’m not alone.  Stop doing that.

If you are sad because they cancelled your favorite show.  Sure, I might think that’s lame, but I’ll try to understand that people have different things that they hold near and dear and I’ll politely feign empathy.  If you just put a single word or so help me a sad face emoticon.  I’m going to wish that they cancelled ALL of your shows or that EVERY team you root for loses indefinitely and I’ll throw in a wish for a zit to grow on the tip of your nose on THE most important day of you life.  Again, I’m not alone in this. Stop doing that.

If you are going through something difficult and you need support, we want to support you.  However, if you just throw out a plea for positive thoughts with no context, we’re moving on without giving you a second thought, positive or negative.  We’re just over it.  I am sensitive to the fact that people may not be comfortable broadcasting tragedy, but PLEASE say SOMETHING.  Copy/paste the following, if you like: “I can’t really go into details right now, but I could really use your support.”  If you want to get advanced, add something like: “If you can think of me/us/him/her, please send along your prayers, vibes, well-wishes”.  BOOM! You get your social-comfort fix, people aren’t annoyed and I don’t have zit-curse your nose.  Everybody wins!

With your help, we can fix Facebook.  Now, about those @$%$ing hash-tags!