A Nokia Lumia and JD Walk Into A Mall

This blog will be random-palooza.  I’ve got pictures and JD observations to share.  It will (hopefully) be funny and (hopefully) make you think and (probably) further cement my relationship status on “SINGLE”.

What it won’t be is complaining about how crowded and crazy my trip to the mall was.  The Westfield Century Plaza was by all accounts, very pleasant this morning.  I drove in and parked pretty close to the escalator and I was in the shopping zone before I knew it.

The music was holiday theme’d, but modern and lovely.  There were no crazies, no yelling, no desperate shoppers ruining the experience for everyone.  What there were, were painted deer sculptures.  Seriously.  Stay tuned for that because you KNOW I have pictures.

JD Observation:  Gift wrapping is very difficult, to do well.  For my non-crafty single men types of whom people expect little, I suggest buying gifts that will fit into a bag.  Unless…

You have the opportunity to come upon a COMPLIMENTARY GIFT WRAPPING station.

This is the wrapping station sponsored by “American Idol” and that new “Enlisted” show.  The wrapping (in American Idol theme’d paper) is free.  You are asked to pay with gratitude by filling out (Enlisted theme’d) postcards that will be sent to the troops.

I channeled my best version of my good friend, Steffanie, and asked the wrap artists some questions:

1. Did you get trained in this or did you have to prove your skills?  A – they just asked us if we were good at wrapping gifts.
2. Are people filling out the cards? A – people are mostly being good.  One person was a smart ass and wrote some Satanic stuff on it.  I just threw it out.
3. What is the most gifts that someone asked to be wrapped? A – probably around 25. (I felt way better about my 5)
4. What is the most expensive gift that you’ve wrapped? A – a $3000 Apple Store Gift Card. I put a bow on it and put it in some tissue paper inside of a big box.
5. Would you like to unwrap me?  A – there’s not enough booze in all the eggnog of the world.

OK, I just made up #5 because as much as I’d like to be “that guy” to a perfect stranger, I just can’t…I can’t.

Speaking of Apple.

Here’s the naughty store with gifts worse than coal…

Here’s the good store with gifts worth more than GOLD…

JD OBSERVATION: Christmas has become too much about “bucks and doe/dough” and not the one’s pulling a sleigh.

Oh yes…deer.  That reminds me. I saw two great plays this weekend.  I had a few friends in a show called “The 8”.  It’s a dark comedy where the controversial character is Santa and the play consists of 8 monologues by deer personified.  It was good stuff.  The set was simple and conducive to focusing the attention on the words being spoken.   Here is the cast in a post-performance photo on said set.

I had one friend in the other play, “Up In Lights” and the set was a hotel room in the Ritz in 1948.  It’s a play about the production of a play.  It was also good and though there was no post-show photo opportunity, I was able to get a good shot of their more complex set.  Actually, I got fancy and did a panoramic shot.

A JD Moment: At both shows, I had to do a little performance. During “The 8”, I was asked to read a poem right before the show.  After getting over my initial shyness (HA HA HA) I did it…and it made me miss the stage.  After “Up In Lights” I waited for my friend.  She texted me to come backstage because she was avoiding someone, a stalker-ish type.  A guy in her cast approached me and when I asked for my friend, he puffed up and got aggressive, letting me know that this area was for cast and crew only.  It was more aggressive than correcting someone who had wandered into a restricted space.  I hoped that I wasn’t going to have to “correct” some unruly behavior.  Then my friend came out and informed everyone that I was playing the part of her boyfriend and that I was not the stalker.  Later I thought to myself, “Wait…I auditioned for that role and didn’t book it. So I’m just the understudy or in this case, the stunt double?”  Hmmmmm…..

OK, how did we leave the mall?  I did a little shopping for JD.  Mind you, I didn’t buy anything  because I’m broke…I mean, I’m in the GIVING SPIRIT.

JD Observation: I think single men who live in Los Angeles should arrange “unwrapping” parties at strip clubs. The ladies get paid and men avoid loneliness. Win-win.

Here is one thing in my list. It is a top-tier item in my spreadsheet…I mean list.  It’s already wrapped, in case anyone wants to get me one.

Here’s another one from Microsoft.  Who wouldn’t want a 3D printer? Think of the things I could make and get bored with with this $2200 device.

I’ve teased about the deer for far too long and you’ve been good.  You’re on on the “nice” list, so here is my version of “The 8”.  Which is your favorite?

JD Observation: Christmas is the new Valentine’s Day in big cities. There are no anti-couple parties but people feel just as lonely and vulnerable. PLEASE use this knowledge for good, people.

OK, I lied.  I have one complaint about the mall shopping experience: They charge for parking, therefore they suck.

Merry Christmas.
Related: One of my popular posts about New Years Resolutions For Single Men In LA.