Single Resolutions – 2014 Updated

A lot of you guys are still single and frankly, I don’t need the competition.  We need to get some of you pair bonded, post-haste.  I’m not sure if you paid attention when I dropped the Top 10 Single Resolutions for the 2011 New Year’s season, but go ahead and catch up because ALL 11 of those Top 10, still apply.  I’ve just added a few to the mix.

Before we get to that, let’s talk about resolutions or whatever you want to call them: visions, intentions, plans…they’re all the same thing.  Anyway, why do we constantly set ourselves up for failure?  Throw in a few gimmes and you’ll feel better about yourself.  I resolve not to make people feel guilty about the fact that they aren’t running a marathon, so I will refrain from running a marathon this year. DONE.  I resolve to support the good people who own and work at micro-breweries. COUNT ON IT.   I resolve to do my part in solving state problems. For example, prison over-crowding is a problem and I resolve to prevent my temper from adding another number to the system. PERFECT.

OK, let’s jump into these additions to the list of single resolutions!

GAIN WEIGHT

I seriously lost so much weight over the holidays and I need to gain it back.  I need to get motivated and get into that workout mode.  Wait…you’re probably confused.  I don’t measure weight in pounds or kilograms but rather in the hotness level of attracted female attention.  Obviously, the goal weight is a 10, but all of this holiday food is bringing me down.

FAKE IT

There is a sexual border at the bedroom. She is likely to fake it after you cross the border and you might need to fake it before you get to the border.  For men, you need to feign wealth.  Fortunately (pun intended), this is easier in the modern age.   Do the following:

• Get a nice phone – this is the #1 accessory these day.  I won’t even get into how productive you can be with it and I don’t even care if you are ARE productive with it. What’s important is that she THINKS you are productive with it.  Bonus phone tip coming later!
• Keep a nice pair of shoes shined and ready to go. We might be in a tech age, so you don’t have to drop the cash on a fancy watch, but the old school rule that ladies check out your shoes is still real.
• If your car is crap, consider using a service like Lyft or Uber.  You can offer door to door service, no parking and you can sell the whole, “I’d rather spend my time talking to you than concentrating on the road or finding a place to park”.  You’ll add a premium  feel to your date without adding a car payment.

BUY BOOKS

Please note that I did not get all preachy, telling you to READ the book.  I would advise knowing HOW to read, but for these purposes, again, you only need to concern yourself that she thinks that you read.  Here’s one woman’s frank opinion about dudes who don’t read and other topics. She’s actually quite the funny, if crude, blogger.

I take this step a few steps further.  The books that I have on display in the living room, on my nightstand and even in my bathroom are on rotation depending on the audience.  Don’t be obvious with this, but put books out that will pique her interest.  I love putting out books that contradict each other like biographies about Obama and Cheney.  If she’s a simple minded partisan, she won’t know whether to love or hate you.  That confusion is opportunity, but that’s an advance strategy for another time.

LEARN HOW TO COOK SOMETHING

I’m not sure why, but women love it that I can cook.  I didn’t even set out about it because I wanted the skill to impress women. I do it because I like to eat great food and I like to take care of myself and others.  I can’t figure out why they like it so much.

Might I suggest two books for you? See, you’ll knock out BUY BOOKS and LEARN HOW TO COOK SOMETHING at once.

I was given the book “Win Her With Dinner” – it has some great stuff and is full of info like music to play with the meal and what wine to pair it with and other stuff that we don’t care about when we normally grub on the couch, by ourselves.

Another book by my friend Jody Ambrose is  “Darn Good Eats”.  Jody calls herself a “reluctant cook” and her husband/co-author is a legit chef.  Needless to say, you’ll get lots of great ideas and perspective and shortcuts.

JOIN COSTCO

Sure, you can save a lot of money on dating specific things like movie tickets, but I really want you to consider getting a bucket of condoms.  This has multiple benefits:

• You should never, ever have to make a convenience store shop when you are in a mutually agreed upon journey toward horny-ville.  Any detours might take her out of the moment and realize that you are not the destination she thought you were.
• Nothing reminds you that you haven’t scored enough like a large supply of condoms when you haven’t had reason to purchase any in a long time.  Yes…the latex mountain is one that you will want to conquer.
• No babies with strangers or crazies…seriously.  I’ve seen Maury and it doesn’t look like any amount of fun.

There…that’s my 5 pack update for 2014.  I hope you “get lucky” this year. If you are the type that likes “a sign”, consider this: 2+0+1+4 = LUCKY #7!!

I almost forgot about your bonus phone tip! You will see this little scene in a script coming from soon.  It must be Christmas again already, because the gifts keep coming.  Ready?  ACTION!

Interior Restaurant – Evening

A man and woman sit down to a dinner. His combination of being awkward and polite indicate that this is a first date.  The waiter approaches and takes their drink orders.

MAN: Excuse me for one second.

He takes out his phone and puts in on silent and places it screen down on the table in a way that says that this is a grand gesture.

MAN: OK, now I can focus on what’s right in front of me.

He smiles. She smiles back and reaches across the table to put her hands over his which are sitting next to the neutered distraction in the form of a phone.

Besides the romantic points you’ll score, your phone won’t blow up with texts/calls from all of the other women you’ve attracted by applying all of these resolutions to your life!  Shhhhh…she doesn’t have to know that!