No Hookups and Other Online Dating Farcicalities

Online dating can be a productive and efficient way of meeting a collection of like minded matches suitable for consideration of a long term romantic relationship.  Yeah, it can also be a hysterical farce of a show.  See the guy picture to the left? Yeah, I use that picture in my profiles because it shows off the side of my personality that is “harmless” as a couple of my friend like to point out.  Here I’m using harmless to showcase myself in a vulnerable and adorable state…in bed.  This is a vision and a location that I’d like potential matches to consider seeing me in.  Sweet and adorable and the distracting contrast of using cold technology to portray a warm and fuzzy moment.  Brilliant…I know.  Trust me, another side of my personality influences things. We call him the IntimiDATER.  Go ahead and “Like” him on Facebook.  Do it now before I show you what he thinks that innocent looking picture communicates to the ladies.

The IntimiDATER sees this:

So there’s that!  Now that you are prepared for both sides of all that is me, let’s examine a few of these online dating farcicalities.

No Hookups

I love Tinder.  It is the most shallow form of online dating.  People just swipe left and right as if they are so desirable that they can select and discard people with such ease lack of thought.  Amazingly people actually write some things and I read ‘em! Yup, I do.  When I do, I speak to the woman on my screen while I am passing judgment on her.

“Let’s see.  You’re a good looking woman and 3 out of your 4 pictures are of you in skimpy bikinis and then you write “Not looking for a hookup”.  HA HA HA…well you just found one.”

Then I swipe right and select her.  There’s a lesson here ladies (and gents…this is news you can use).  When you succumb to the base shallowness of the site and then declare that you aren’t there for a hookup, you become a DOUCHEBAG MAGNET.  You will get targeted by men who only want to hookup.  We 100% think that you are down for that hookup, you seemingly shun.

We think that you are just protecting yourself from you own urges and we are more than willing to liberate the hookup trapped inside of you.  Besides, listing things you don’t want sounds negative, anyway.  Lighten up.  If you want to convince me that you aren’t looking for a hookup, say what it is that you ARE looking for.   “I’m really looking to meet that one guy who (insert positive good stuff that doesn’t include income level)”.

 

I Should Get Hacked More Often

My eHarmony account got hacked and they shut it down and made me start all over again.  If you’ve ever been on eHarmony then you know that it’s work to rebuild.  Well it turns out that it was worth it.

1. Before they shut me down, they let me send messages to people who I had been in communication with  because I would lose all of that progress.  One girl was very skeptical and after I gave her my email and phone number, she Google’d me. (Lost points for not using BING).  She found this blog and we had something talk about.
2. One thing that the hacker did was read my messages and got the phone number of this rock star woman that I had been chatting with.  He/she texted her being all strange and weird on my behalf.  The IntimiDATER can’t be beat, though.  She realized that it was coming from a number that wasn’t what I gave her, plus my game is vastly superior to this chump, so the words just didn’t seem “right” to her.  Well, we had a marathon phone chat after that.  We laughed a lot and got a good start on getting to know each other. Thanks hacker.
3. Once on my new account, a match came up and seemed familiar. She had been matched with me before on my old account.  She was kind of money focused and ending up deleting me when I told her that I didn’t have a bunch of money.  She sent a “smile” my first this time and I decided to just see what happens.  I was just charming, witty and pure awesome JD.  When we got to the part of the process with longer form answers, I reminded her about our previous matching experience.  This time, my charm won. She simply wrote:  “You are free to call me ###-###-####.”

So that’s been my last couple of weeks of online dating.  There’s been some OKCupid chatter too, but nothing that works in story form.  Maybe next time.

You can see how using both my “Harmless” and “IntimiDATER” sides can be advantageous out there, online.