Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching, and of course, I have thoughts:
1. Am I the only one who thinks the 15th is the REAL holiday? Savings on chocolate is just the beginning. I bought a couple of those steaks that they put into the heart shaped containers. DEAL!
2. As an exercise, I sat here and imagined the perfect woman. Turns out she hates me!
3. Valentine’s is everywhere. At my grocery store there are stuffed animals and balloons flying. It’s an odd contrast to me, to have artificial romance hovering over organic produce.
4. I feel like any relationship started with a swipe right has a foundation for inappropriate touching.
5. In the spirit of fairy tale romance, I feel like anything started on Valentine’s Day should last until President’s Day. The day before, I mean, because that’s a day off and you don’t need the stress of a fake romance’s fake breakup…on a holiday.
6. I thought about going out on the 13th: Desperation Day. Sure I could find someone WAY out of my league, but she’s going to be clingy and expect things like me remembering her name, or me participating in a conversation, or me not swiping for her replacement, on Tinder, right in front of her. It’s always about what she wants from me. I know this without even meeting her.
7. People in relationships should stop with the roses. Bring home a ficus. The rose is basically plant carcass, which to me symbolizes a dying relationship. A ficus, or other living plant, represents growth if properly taken care of with water and sun. Similar symbolism could be had with a cruise, I guess. So, plant or cruise, but NO MORE ROSES! You’re welcome.
8. I have crafted a new pickup line for 2018. “Excuse me, I hope that I’m not invading your space and if this is unwanted attention, just roll your eyes and I’ll walk away in shame and out myself on Facebook, for being the unknowing misogynist, that apparently I am, if you say that I am. If not, I’d like to say that I have no shallow comments on your physical appearance that is completely not noteworthy, to my woke eyes, and I’d be drawn to you, in every non-creepy way, even if I was blind. What I’d really like is if you’d tell me…a complete stranger…one of your secrets, dreams or passions. Sure, you don’t know me, but depth, am I right?”
9. The message on Valentine’s Day is that chocolate is heart healthy.
10. I’m sure, like me, you’re reading a list like this, and asking yourself “HOW is he single?”